Most of us have tried to diet at least once, in order to lose a few extra pounds. We’ve given up our favorite foods, changed how much we ate, what we ate, and when we ate. Most of us also realized that even though it’s essential for our health, dieting is not easy at all. If you’re looking for a way to cope with dieting, why not try humor?
Calories (noun): Tiny devious creatures that live in our closets, and make our clothes smaller and smaller every night.
Diet (noun): An odd process where, instead of watching what we eat – we watch what other people eat.
A professional dietitian was lecturing in front of a group of people who wanted to lose weight.
“The food we eat is so bad for us, that it will still hurt our health several years down the road,” she said.
“Sugary drinks eat up the lining of our stomach, processed food is full of chemicals, meat is full of preservatives, and even our water is filled with germs. And I haven’t even gotten to fatty foods yet! Do you know which type of dessert will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?”
The whole group fell silent, until an 80-year-old man sitting in the back stood up and said: “A wedding cake…”
Last week, I was driving through town and passed by a small bakery. The cakes and cookies in the window seemed to summon me, and the smells from within didn’t help my self-control.
I knew then and there that this is not a coincidence, but fate, so I prayed to the lord: “God, why do you tempt me so? If you truly want me to stop dieting, give me a sign and open up a parking space right in front of the bakery.”
It appears that I was right, and my prayer came true – after driving in circles around the place, a parking spot opened up right in front!
My wife left a note on the fridge door saying: “This isn’t working, I’m leaving.”
I opened the door and the darn thing was working just fine!
I’ve got no problems with fresh vegetables, steamed rice, steamed broccoli, whole grain, and low-fat yoghurts. Just keep them away while I’m eating.
Cathy decided to meet her friend Jane after not seeing her for weeks. When they met, Cathy exclaimed: “Jane! How did you lose all that weight?”
Crestfallen, Jane replies: “It’s my husband, I’m sick and tired of him. He drives me crazy every day. He never washes his dishes, leaves his dirty laundry out, his work papers are all over the place, and every night I have to dig under the sofa for his socks. I just run around the house all the time.”
“That sounds horrible!” Cathy says. “Are you going to confront him about it?”
“Of course”, answers Jane. “In 6 more pounds!”
Everyone asks me how, despite all the diets I’ve tried, I still cannot seem to lose any weight. Between you and me, I don’t want to brag, but I guess I’m just that good! This week I managed to finish my 2-week diet in three hours and 29 minutes!
Since I started my diet, I noticed a strange trend at work: people bring delicious food from home, put it in the fridge, and write their names on it. Today, I had to eat two Jims and one Gwen.
The new dieter’s 10 commandments:
1. If you eat something and no one saw it – it has no calories.
2. When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count if they ate more.
3. Tasting someone else’s food doesn’t count.
4. If people around us gain weight, we automatically become thinner.
5. If your movie ticket comes with a free tub of popcorn, it doesn’t count as food.
6. Every food you split into smaller pieces will contain less calories.
7. Tasting food while preparing it is essential, and therefore – healthy.
8. Foods with similar colors contain the same amount of calories. This is why it’s fine to eat pistachio ice cream instead of spinach.
9. Chocolate has a dedicated area in the stomach, which is why you should have it with every meal.
10. Frozen foods, such as ice cream, contain no calories. The reason is that a calorie is a measurement of heat units.
The reason animals don’t need to diet is that it’s hard to keep tabs on their eating habits. Imagine for a moment, what your dog’s food journal would look like:
“Dear diary, today I ate the food in my bowl, half of the cat’s food, the crust of two sandwiches that were in the sink, one tea bag from the trash, three flies, and a green rubber ball. How many calories is that?”